My future approaches faster than I can wander out of the way!

Well, Career fairs are fun and volunteering has really opened my eyes to the fact that I want to get away from the whole research paper thing and get into a money-earning position in the Industry! I had a ton of Fun this last week with the PLANET Student Career Days competitions and all that stuff.

As part of the fair I spoke with several companies about intern positions they may have open. Although I was aiming for a highly recommended compay they seemed to snub me for the fact that I want a range of expereince in an internship instead of a short and specific one. I didn't even get an interview with the top two companies that were suggested to me, the one snubbed me and the other just didn't seem like they cared if I was interested or not. The third company that I was actually considering actually spoke to me in a three part Interview!

The first part was a grad student from BYU that worked for them and I was given an opportunity to explain a few things on my resume as well as my hopes and expectations for the internship I was seeking. By the time I had many of my questions asked and answered the owner showed up and pretty much reiterated what Kim had said to me and after speaking with me almost started to sell his company's procedure on me. Jim made me feel like I was actually someone they would like to intern with them. Beth had lost her voice talking with everyone and is the main internship coordinator that was there but she showed up at the end and I felt like they all wanted to have me seriously concider their firm for an internship. After being snubbed by two larger companies I felt very inclined to go to Northern Chicago for the summer.

Although that went quite well with the interview, I feel a slight anxiety over the whole thing: do I try to open more options to weigh against this current invitation, or do I try to figure out more detailed information about their company? Do I try to get a second chance with the Snubbing-Snobs? or do I go with the friendly ones?

As I am not really tied down in any sort of relationship at this point in my life and I NEED an internship to graduate, I don't think it is wise even now to take the attitude of just go where they seem nice and convenient at the moment. I just wish I had a bit more time in the research behind the various companies and more expereince in saying what they want to heat that would get them to want me to intern in a way that I want to Intern. (I hope that makes sense it is 2 AM right now). In any case I need to do something fast and soon so that I can plan my summer and figure out what I need to do for housing. I am starting to dread figuring out what final classes I need to take and PASS to graduate as well. That step will surely start to bring on a new stress of where can I find my nich in the industry and find an employment opportunity to become part of a Team and Firm for a more substantial permanance.

Although local would be great for family things and mormon culture, I'm not sure I really feel tied to the state at all right now, or the region. Perhaps I just need to get back to the east coast to figure out more of my life again. Perhaps the internship with Martin & Associates will give me a clue of how far I can live from home comfortably. So aside from all that I need to stop this writing and get a 6 page paper written for tomorrow... so much going on in my head its hard to really focus. Hopefully this post will have freed-up a bit of space and attention for me to get something done.

Anyhow, Pray for me if ya can and perhaps I'll get the help I need to figure out what to do exactly,
Until next time,
Wandering Shepherd

Still wandering...

It's been quite a journey I've traveled since my last post and I know that its been quite a while. I have been reflecting on a lot of things too, perhaps too many to mention here but I know that the people I do call my friends are great. I have been able to rely on them for support and love through the challenging days and I have enjoyed talking with them and sharing my triumphs as well as disappointments. I have been able to experience a lot of personal defining moments. That is just a side effect of life passing I guess.

I have begun to understand more of my own personality and I have started to realize parts of my character that need reconstruction and i have been working a bit on my outlook and personal conveyance of attitude. I may have lost a spark of cheer for a roommate of mine because when he's negative I find myself rocketing down the same road. I know it's a weakness of mine. He struggles with finiancial issues like I do and I know it's a challenge to stay happy during those hours of stress figuring where ends will meet, but I hate letting it get me down. Its hard to pull up from that spiral when it begins. Is it a bad thing to avoid roommates in general circumstances like those?

I avoid so many other issues in life that I wonder some times what I should be doing with life. Why do I not just take charge and make the world conform to my decisions? I suppose that's not the way that life works, but it would be nice if I had enough resolve to tell the world what I want and how I plan on making it a reality.

Well I feel like I have started to babble... so I'll take a break for now. I hope I run into you sometime so I can say Hi and get aquainted perhaps...
Safe wanderings to you all!

Friendships

Friends are important. That seems to be a cliché thing to say but really, I would be quite lost without some of my friends.

There are the friends I look up to for their spiritual strength and testimonies. These friends are there to support me in my lack of faith at times of great trial.

Others are there for me when I am emotionally exhausted or can’t quite figure out what I’m feeling. I can’t really say one type is more important than the others just that at times you need different friends for different reasons.

I find that I have surrounded myself with a variable cornucopia of friends. Some entertain constantly, some listen, some counsel, others show needed affection. There are so many roles that they fill in my life that I would be quite naïve to think I would be able to get away with neglecting them.

It doesn’t matter what situation I get myself into, or what trials come my way; I can count on them to love me for who I am regardless of my own shortcomings and faults. It’s amazing at times to realize how forgiving they are and then as I reflect on how so many of my friends have such great care and love for me that there is one friend that excels in all these aspects.

The Savior, The Good Shepherd, he loves us perfectly and individually. He is my best friend for I know he gave his life for me. He is always there to support me through my challenges when even the best of my other friends don’t quite see the whole picture. He lifts my burdens as well as any of my other friends can.

I guess I was just in the mood to say thanks to all my friends out there that might actually read this thing. I would have gone insane a long time ago if I didn’t have friends to rely on and to care for me. You guys have reminded me time and again what I should be doing to take care of myself as well as enjoy life.

The memories I reflect upon in my random moments of thoughtful engagement call to mind the love we’ve shared as well as the brotherhood and sincerity I’ve grown accustomed to. Thanks for all you have done for me, the memories and for just being you.

Until next time, don’t forget to smile; you’ll never know when you’ll bump into me and I may have needed that smile more than anything else at the time!

All is not lost

Well, this one is going to be short too.

All is not lost, just the job (so far)... and the future is looking kinda bleek, but I guess I should let y'all know that I am gonna be ok. Even though the Owner is quite a flake about the whole situation. I suppose I need to cut my losses and realise I can still keep in touch with my friends I made there. As much as I don't want to try to find a new job I probably need to. As a few of my friends tried to console me, perhaps this did happen for a reason and perhaps this is the beggining to a new chapter of my life. Who honestly knows but Our Father?

Hopefully I'll find a place that will appreciate my hard work again. The question stands: Do I go to another serving job or just try something altogether different?

I may never really go there more than once in a blue moon; that is, to eat, but I'll often visit my friends. They all miss me already and it's still coming as quite a shock to the rest of the servers still finding out after a week's elapsed and I'm not on the new schedule. If it were as simple as a petition, I have a few frineds that would start it. I doubt that would really make a difference to the guy. He based his decision on a couple others that didn't really see what happened completely. I still have a hard time beleiving I'm history there.

Bah.

Time to move on, and glancing back is hard to do, especially while trying to move on.

Thanks for letting me know you're still out there guys. Perhaps I have a lot more time on my hands these days. If ya know of any good opportunities lemme know, I need a good paying job.

Catching up on Blogs of those cool people that actually read mine

Well it has been a long time since I have actually blogged and for good reason. I have been in the midst of changes and didn't have computer access for a month at least and now that I have it I spend more of my leisure time thinking.

Recently I lost a job I loved for a ridiculous scenerio not unlike Potifer's Wife and Joseph. I felt like the one being punished for her advances and that is pretty much what happened. Perhaps I should have ran 3 seconds sooner and I'd still be there.

SO amidst the new semester changes and all that, I am starting to finally get settled into my new place and then the realization of what's going on in my life hits me. After trying to get the guts up to tell my girlfriend that I just want to be friends she gives me a Two month anniversary card she hand-made and complicated things.. it was the following monday I lost my job and avoided talking to her all together for a day because I didn't think I would be able to handle it. Anyhow, she tracked me down and we talked about the incident at work and then since I was in the frustration release mode it trickled into the conversation and she even mentioned that she had started to feel the same way. That we could be friends but it wasn't really going anywhere. Now I don't know if that is what she was really thinking or if she was jsut saying that to make it easier on me in this emotionally slashed week. Overall I'm still waiting for a chance to speak with the owner and see if there isn't a possibility of a second chance there. Untill I figure out which way that is going I am still secretly losing a lot of my focus and sanity. I just couldn't belive the whole thing; it's like one of those things that seems like a bad dream becasue it just doesn't feel real.

In any case I'm still alive and losing sleep over the whole ordeal. I even lost a lot of my appetite. Still it's hard to fight the tears when I start to think of not being able to work with so many of the friends that I loved there.

well I should end this before it gets too painful to rehash. My train of thought is not even easy to read right now in this exhauseted state. I appologize for that because I know a few of my friends that read this will doubtless see the lack of good structure especially in this post. Exhaustion and fatigue of mind and spirit are what I will blame it on, as well as the emotional strain that goes with it.

Anyhow, Im still here.

Alright, in lieu of my other activities...

I will take a few minutes to blog. It has been quite a while and I have realized that I have at least one person still checking this thing; to whom I wish to query: Why? Why is my inconsequential blog a source of intrigue to you? and to follow that chain of thought... Who still seeks updates from an introspective guy that seemingly lives a quiet unremarkable life? I guess all those questions could be answered, but to what avail?

I guess the dual promptings coming from some faceless alias have prompted me into an inquisitive dispersal of thoughts. Naturally when this happens for me I reflect on what could possibly be out there that would become noteworthy on second passing... which of my nonverbal thoughts have graced the stage of my mind enough to entertain a few moments in immortalizing ink?

I suppose I could answer my question here with a thought or two about progression and perfection... both on the same trail but at different ends of the spectrum.

I have, in many ways, seen the downfalls of my own character and grieve them more than people know. I have recently begun to see so much that I have unresolved in my life at this point to the vector of several points of possible improvement and refinement. There are some things that are just habits in need of change. Other possibilities are those of thought and action; the discrepancy between the two being the driving force in my internal conflicts. At least this much I can decipher from my inner reflections. If only I could allow my testimony to flourish more fully through my outward acts, both in public and in private, I would become a better person and more purely unified in concordance with my spiritual yearnings to find the correct and bright way and to stay there.

In general I feel that I am headed in the right direction with the exception of the multiplicity of detours I embark upon. I get to the point all too often of seeing the way that things are going and realizing I need to look to my Reference for guidance and directions to the right way. It is true that many, if not all, of these detours are harmful if not hurtful to my progression in some way. Yet as a small child with curiosity, I seem to fall for the same guise time after time but only because it is called by a different name. It is said that a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet... and I have discovered the same to be of sorrow; by any other name a sin may confront you, it still leads to the sorrow that comes of distance from the Father.

In the quiet moments alone I seem to contemplate exactly where I stand in relation to where I wish to be. It’s in those moments that I find how close I really am to the right path, in those still moments I can see if I’m going in the right direction and how fast I’m getting there. Perfection is a funny and elusive thing at times. You are told over and over by your leaders that it is attainable and yet then we are also told it may take our entire lives moving in the right path and then some after this life to finally obtain such status.

Although there are setbacks in life there are also accomplishments, mile markers of things gone Right and things that are going to turn out better than expected. These are the moments I generally live in as long as I can. I recognize that when things are prosperous I should revel in them and take gratitude in my communications for the blessings that those moments are. Well.. this seems to become a circular thought to me at the moment because the night is drawing late. Perhaps now that I have an active audience my thoughts will find vehicle to print more readily. Congratulations to you Mystery poster. In time I would like to decipher to whom I owe the thanks for such motivation… if permissible.
Until such a time we shall see where the Pensieve will take us… reflecting or speculating, each could become quite a pallet of intrigue.

*The Wandering Shepherd

Thoughts that evade...

Have you ever tired so hard to figure something out that it just got harder to think about as you put more effort into it?

That is just about the way I have been feeling lately about a few things. I really needed to know why this all happens when I don't think that I can understand it any more. I want to know why I feel left out or less fortunate when I see some friends have fun.. why can't I just be glad for them? Enjoy their happiness even if I'm not directly a part of it? I think at times it is more like the stark realization that I need to become a bit more in control of my Sensitive feelings. Not so much in a stiffling way but a more responsable and dignified way to approach things. Perhaps less sensing and feeling yet more understanding and thought through, maybe that could help me avoid impulsive emotional responses to the little things that seem to be able to trigger me.

In all of this I find it interesting to see that I do have a unique way of dealing with my poignant emotional responses to almost trivial things. I know that I have been a bit foolish in the past letting the moment run off with me before I could catch up witht he rest of the situations, but hey, I'm still only human. I can only do the best I can do. That's all I should have to expect from myself. Granted there is room for growth that comes with times and experience as well as internal strivings of improvement.

Well, its time to go so I'll be signing off!