Friends are important. That seems to be a cliché thing to say but really, I would be quite lost without some of my friends.
There are the friends I look up to for their spiritual strength and testimonies. These friends are there to support me in my lack of faith at times of great trial.
Others are there for me when I am emotionally exhausted or can’t quite figure out what I’m feeling. I can’t really say one type is more important than the others just that at times you need different friends for different reasons.
I find that I have surrounded myself with a variable cornucopia of friends. Some entertain constantly, some listen, some counsel, others show needed affection. There are so many roles that they fill in my life that I would be quite naïve to think I would be able to get away with neglecting them.
It doesn’t matter what situation I get myself into, or what trials come my way; I can count on them to love me for who I am regardless of my own shortcomings and faults. It’s amazing at times to realize how forgiving they are and then as I reflect on how so many of my friends have such great care and love for me that there is one friend that excels in all these aspects.
The Savior, The Good Shepherd, he loves us perfectly and individually. He is my best friend for I know he gave his life for me. He is always there to support me through my challenges when even the best of my other friends don’t quite see the whole picture. He lifts my burdens as well as any of my other friends can.
I guess I was just in the mood to say thanks to all my friends out there that might actually read this thing. I would have gone insane a long time ago if I didn’t have friends to rely on and to care for me. You guys have reminded me time and again what I should be doing to take care of myself as well as enjoy life.
The memories I reflect upon in my random moments of thoughtful engagement call to mind the love we’ve shared as well as the brotherhood and sincerity I’ve grown accustomed to. Thanks for all you have done for me, the memories and for just being you.
Until next time, don’t forget to smile; you’ll never know when you’ll bump into me and I may have needed that smile more than anything else at the time!
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Sunday, September 11, 2005
All is not lost
Well, this one is going to be short too.
All is not lost, just the job (so far)... and the future is looking kinda bleek, but I guess I should let y'all know that I am gonna be ok. Even though the Owner is quite a flake about the whole situation. I suppose I need to cut my losses and realise I can still keep in touch with my friends I made there. As much as I don't want to try to find a new job I probably need to. As a few of my friends tried to console me, perhaps this did happen for a reason and perhaps this is the beggining to a new chapter of my life. Who honestly knows but Our Father?
Hopefully I'll find a place that will appreciate my hard work again. The question stands: Do I go to another serving job or just try something altogether different?
I may never really go there more than once in a blue moon; that is, to eat, but I'll often visit my friends. They all miss me already and it's still coming as quite a shock to the rest of the servers still finding out after a week's elapsed and I'm not on the new schedule. If it were as simple as a petition, I have a few frineds that would start it. I doubt that would really make a difference to the guy. He based his decision on a couple others that didn't really see what happened completely. I still have a hard time beleiving I'm history there.
Bah.
Time to move on, and glancing back is hard to do, especially while trying to move on.
Thanks for letting me know you're still out there guys. Perhaps I have a lot more time on my hands these days. If ya know of any good opportunities lemme know, I need a good paying job.
All is not lost, just the job (so far)... and the future is looking kinda bleek, but I guess I should let y'all know that I am gonna be ok. Even though the Owner is quite a flake about the whole situation. I suppose I need to cut my losses and realise I can still keep in touch with my friends I made there. As much as I don't want to try to find a new job I probably need to. As a few of my friends tried to console me, perhaps this did happen for a reason and perhaps this is the beggining to a new chapter of my life. Who honestly knows but Our Father?
Hopefully I'll find a place that will appreciate my hard work again. The question stands: Do I go to another serving job or just try something altogether different?
I may never really go there more than once in a blue moon; that is, to eat, but I'll often visit my friends. They all miss me already and it's still coming as quite a shock to the rest of the servers still finding out after a week's elapsed and I'm not on the new schedule. If it were as simple as a petition, I have a few frineds that would start it. I doubt that would really make a difference to the guy. He based his decision on a couple others that didn't really see what happened completely. I still have a hard time beleiving I'm history there.
Bah.
Time to move on, and glancing back is hard to do, especially while trying to move on.
Thanks for letting me know you're still out there guys. Perhaps I have a lot more time on my hands these days. If ya know of any good opportunities lemme know, I need a good paying job.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Catching up on Blogs of those cool people that actually read mine
Well it has been a long time since I have actually blogged and for good reason. I have been in the midst of changes and didn't have computer access for a month at least and now that I have it I spend more of my leisure time thinking.
Recently I lost a job I loved for a ridiculous scenerio not unlike Potifer's Wife and Joseph. I felt like the one being punished for her advances and that is pretty much what happened. Perhaps I should have ran 3 seconds sooner and I'd still be there.
SO amidst the new semester changes and all that, I am starting to finally get settled into my new place and then the realization of what's going on in my life hits me. After trying to get the guts up to tell my girlfriend that I just want to be friends she gives me a Two month anniversary card she hand-made and complicated things.. it was the following monday I lost my job and avoided talking to her all together for a day because I didn't think I would be able to handle it. Anyhow, she tracked me down and we talked about the incident at work and then since I was in the frustration release mode it trickled into the conversation and she even mentioned that she had started to feel the same way. That we could be friends but it wasn't really going anywhere. Now I don't know if that is what she was really thinking or if she was jsut saying that to make it easier on me in this emotionally slashed week. Overall I'm still waiting for a chance to speak with the owner and see if there isn't a possibility of a second chance there. Untill I figure out which way that is going I am still secretly losing a lot of my focus and sanity. I just couldn't belive the whole thing; it's like one of those things that seems like a bad dream becasue it just doesn't feel real.
In any case I'm still alive and losing sleep over the whole ordeal. I even lost a lot of my appetite. Still it's hard to fight the tears when I start to think of not being able to work with so many of the friends that I loved there.
well I should end this before it gets too painful to rehash. My train of thought is not even easy to read right now in this exhauseted state. I appologize for that because I know a few of my friends that read this will doubtless see the lack of good structure especially in this post. Exhaustion and fatigue of mind and spirit are what I will blame it on, as well as the emotional strain that goes with it.
Anyhow, Im still here.
Recently I lost a job I loved for a ridiculous scenerio not unlike Potifer's Wife and Joseph. I felt like the one being punished for her advances and that is pretty much what happened. Perhaps I should have ran 3 seconds sooner and I'd still be there.
SO amidst the new semester changes and all that, I am starting to finally get settled into my new place and then the realization of what's going on in my life hits me. After trying to get the guts up to tell my girlfriend that I just want to be friends she gives me a Two month anniversary card she hand-made and complicated things.. it was the following monday I lost my job and avoided talking to her all together for a day because I didn't think I would be able to handle it. Anyhow, she tracked me down and we talked about the incident at work and then since I was in the frustration release mode it trickled into the conversation and she even mentioned that she had started to feel the same way. That we could be friends but it wasn't really going anywhere. Now I don't know if that is what she was really thinking or if she was jsut saying that to make it easier on me in this emotionally slashed week. Overall I'm still waiting for a chance to speak with the owner and see if there isn't a possibility of a second chance there. Untill I figure out which way that is going I am still secretly losing a lot of my focus and sanity. I just couldn't belive the whole thing; it's like one of those things that seems like a bad dream becasue it just doesn't feel real.
In any case I'm still alive and losing sleep over the whole ordeal. I even lost a lot of my appetite. Still it's hard to fight the tears when I start to think of not being able to work with so many of the friends that I loved there.
well I should end this before it gets too painful to rehash. My train of thought is not even easy to read right now in this exhauseted state. I appologize for that because I know a few of my friends that read this will doubtless see the lack of good structure especially in this post. Exhaustion and fatigue of mind and spirit are what I will blame it on, as well as the emotional strain that goes with it.
Anyhow, Im still here.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Alright, in lieu of my other activities...
I will take a few minutes to blog. It has been quite a while and I have realized that I have at least one person still checking this thing; to whom I wish to query: Why? Why is my inconsequential blog a source of intrigue to you? and to follow that chain of thought... Who still seeks updates from an introspective guy that seemingly lives a quiet unremarkable life? I guess all those questions could be answered, but to what avail?
I guess the dual promptings coming from some faceless alias have prompted me into an inquisitive dispersal of thoughts. Naturally when this happens for me I reflect on what could possibly be out there that would become noteworthy on second passing... which of my nonverbal thoughts have graced the stage of my mind enough to entertain a few moments in immortalizing ink?
I suppose I could answer my question here with a thought or two about progression and perfection... both on the same trail but at different ends of the spectrum.
I have, in many ways, seen the downfalls of my own character and grieve them more than people know. I have recently begun to see so much that I have unresolved in my life at this point to the vector of several points of possible improvement and refinement. There are some things that are just habits in need of change. Other possibilities are those of thought and action; the discrepancy between the two being the driving force in my internal conflicts. At least this much I can decipher from my inner reflections. If only I could allow my testimony to flourish more fully through my outward acts, both in public and in private, I would become a better person and more purely unified in concordance with my spiritual yearnings to find the correct and bright way and to stay there.
In general I feel that I am headed in the right direction with the exception of the multiplicity of detours I embark upon. I get to the point all too often of seeing the way that things are going and realizing I need to look to my Reference for guidance and directions to the right way. It is true that many, if not all, of these detours are harmful if not hurtful to my progression in some way. Yet as a small child with curiosity, I seem to fall for the same guise time after time but only because it is called by a different name. It is said that a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet... and I have discovered the same to be of sorrow; by any other name a sin may confront you, it still leads to the sorrow that comes of distance from the Father.
In the quiet moments alone I seem to contemplate exactly where I stand in relation to where I wish to be. It’s in those moments that I find how close I really am to the right path, in those still moments I can see if I’m going in the right direction and how fast I’m getting there. Perfection is a funny and elusive thing at times. You are told over and over by your leaders that it is attainable and yet then we are also told it may take our entire lives moving in the right path and then some after this life to finally obtain such status.
Although there are setbacks in life there are also accomplishments, mile markers of things gone Right and things that are going to turn out better than expected. These are the moments I generally live in as long as I can. I recognize that when things are prosperous I should revel in them and take gratitude in my communications for the blessings that those moments are. Well.. this seems to become a circular thought to me at the moment because the night is drawing late. Perhaps now that I have an active audience my thoughts will find vehicle to print more readily. Congratulations to you Mystery poster. In time I would like to decipher to whom I owe the thanks for such motivation… if permissible.
Until such a time we shall see where the Pensieve will take us… reflecting or speculating, each could become quite a pallet of intrigue.
*The Wandering Shepherd
I guess the dual promptings coming from some faceless alias have prompted me into an inquisitive dispersal of thoughts. Naturally when this happens for me I reflect on what could possibly be out there that would become noteworthy on second passing... which of my nonverbal thoughts have graced the stage of my mind enough to entertain a few moments in immortalizing ink?
I suppose I could answer my question here with a thought or two about progression and perfection... both on the same trail but at different ends of the spectrum.
I have, in many ways, seen the downfalls of my own character and grieve them more than people know. I have recently begun to see so much that I have unresolved in my life at this point to the vector of several points of possible improvement and refinement. There are some things that are just habits in need of change. Other possibilities are those of thought and action; the discrepancy between the two being the driving force in my internal conflicts. At least this much I can decipher from my inner reflections. If only I could allow my testimony to flourish more fully through my outward acts, both in public and in private, I would become a better person and more purely unified in concordance with my spiritual yearnings to find the correct and bright way and to stay there.
In general I feel that I am headed in the right direction with the exception of the multiplicity of detours I embark upon. I get to the point all too often of seeing the way that things are going and realizing I need to look to my Reference for guidance and directions to the right way. It is true that many, if not all, of these detours are harmful if not hurtful to my progression in some way. Yet as a small child with curiosity, I seem to fall for the same guise time after time but only because it is called by a different name. It is said that a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet... and I have discovered the same to be of sorrow; by any other name a sin may confront you, it still leads to the sorrow that comes of distance from the Father.
In the quiet moments alone I seem to contemplate exactly where I stand in relation to where I wish to be. It’s in those moments that I find how close I really am to the right path, in those still moments I can see if I’m going in the right direction and how fast I’m getting there. Perfection is a funny and elusive thing at times. You are told over and over by your leaders that it is attainable and yet then we are also told it may take our entire lives moving in the right path and then some after this life to finally obtain such status.
Although there are setbacks in life there are also accomplishments, mile markers of things gone Right and things that are going to turn out better than expected. These are the moments I generally live in as long as I can. I recognize that when things are prosperous I should revel in them and take gratitude in my communications for the blessings that those moments are. Well.. this seems to become a circular thought to me at the moment because the night is drawing late. Perhaps now that I have an active audience my thoughts will find vehicle to print more readily. Congratulations to you Mystery poster. In time I would like to decipher to whom I owe the thanks for such motivation… if permissible.
Until such a time we shall see where the Pensieve will take us… reflecting or speculating, each could become quite a pallet of intrigue.
*The Wandering Shepherd
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Thoughts that evade...
Have you ever tired so hard to figure something out that it just got harder to think about as you put more effort into it?
That is just about the way I have been feeling lately about a few things. I really needed to know why this all happens when I don't think that I can understand it any more. I want to know why I feel left out or less fortunate when I see some friends have fun.. why can't I just be glad for them? Enjoy their happiness even if I'm not directly a part of it? I think at times it is more like the stark realization that I need to become a bit more in control of my Sensitive feelings. Not so much in a stiffling way but a more responsable and dignified way to approach things. Perhaps less sensing and feeling yet more understanding and thought through, maybe that could help me avoid impulsive emotional responses to the little things that seem to be able to trigger me.
In all of this I find it interesting to see that I do have a unique way of dealing with my poignant emotional responses to almost trivial things. I know that I have been a bit foolish in the past letting the moment run off with me before I could catch up witht he rest of the situations, but hey, I'm still only human. I can only do the best I can do. That's all I should have to expect from myself. Granted there is room for growth that comes with times and experience as well as internal strivings of improvement.
Well, its time to go so I'll be signing off!
That is just about the way I have been feeling lately about a few things. I really needed to know why this all happens when I don't think that I can understand it any more. I want to know why I feel left out or less fortunate when I see some friends have fun.. why can't I just be glad for them? Enjoy their happiness even if I'm not directly a part of it? I think at times it is more like the stark realization that I need to become a bit more in control of my Sensitive feelings. Not so much in a stiffling way but a more responsable and dignified way to approach things. Perhaps less sensing and feeling yet more understanding and thought through, maybe that could help me avoid impulsive emotional responses to the little things that seem to be able to trigger me.
In all of this I find it interesting to see that I do have a unique way of dealing with my poignant emotional responses to almost trivial things. I know that I have been a bit foolish in the past letting the moment run off with me before I could catch up witht he rest of the situations, but hey, I'm still only human. I can only do the best I can do. That's all I should have to expect from myself. Granted there is room for growth that comes with times and experience as well as internal strivings of improvement.
Well, its time to go so I'll be signing off!
Friday, April 08, 2005
One of the simple joys of life...
There are few things in this life I treasure more than my testimony and music. My friends happen to be one of those. There are so many times that I have thought a lot about how on earth I was blessed enough to have friends that would accept me for me and the entire me... not just the socially straight part but all my quirks and my gay me. Who couldn't love friends like that? I feel liberated while I hang with the Family because they are just that; Family. I don't feel like I need to pose as some perfect little "Peter Priesthood", granted I'm no angel, I'm not a devil either. I'm Merely me... Human as they come.
I recently have had things working out for me and opportunities have begun to develop into possibilities. I am getting rid of old roommates that are jerks and others that seem to have lost their care for what happens in my life. In many ways I have started a new epic chapter in my life. I was told I was a good writer the other day, although I have my great doubts about that; I finally had to just say thanks for the compliment. I have a problem of comparing my 1 watt candle to others strengths which appear to me to be a lighthouse beacon in comparison. That isn't fair for me or them. But one of the great joys of life is that we all have something we are innately good at; some unique thing about us that makes us the one and only us.
I've been realizing the synergy that a circle of friends creates. There is a completeness that is more apparent and present when we combine talents together to make a functional group capable of tackling challenges... and able to offer greater support and understanding... I don't know where I was actually going with that train of thought.. but It's about time I head to class so this is my stop... I'm getting off now. Hopefully you who read this understand the part you play in my circle of friends. Thanks for being there for me.
I recently have had things working out for me and opportunities have begun to develop into possibilities. I am getting rid of old roommates that are jerks and others that seem to have lost their care for what happens in my life. In many ways I have started a new epic chapter in my life. I was told I was a good writer the other day, although I have my great doubts about that; I finally had to just say thanks for the compliment. I have a problem of comparing my 1 watt candle to others strengths which appear to me to be a lighthouse beacon in comparison. That isn't fair for me or them. But one of the great joys of life is that we all have something we are innately good at; some unique thing about us that makes us the one and only us.
I've been realizing the synergy that a circle of friends creates. There is a completeness that is more apparent and present when we combine talents together to make a functional group capable of tackling challenges... and able to offer greater support and understanding... I don't know where I was actually going with that train of thought.. but It's about time I head to class so this is my stop... I'm getting off now. Hopefully you who read this understand the part you play in my circle of friends. Thanks for being there for me.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Whispers of a past and a future with friends...
It never ceases to amaze me how much I have in common with how I grew up and how my friends grew up. Yet, on the other hand it still surprise me how much we've had different experiences. I've not had to "deal with" certain issues for as long as some have and I know that I still feel like I have a lot of the same challenges today. There are a lot of things I still don't fully understand about my life in general and my deepest thoughts... And still I continue to discover what I think when I talk to friends .. albeit at 4 am at times.
I see how much of my time I have passed in the last three years dealing with self-definition and exploration; and at the same time having to come to grips with reality. When I say reality it encompasses more than what is actually there in the obvious daylight. I mean the relative realities we all create in our minds.. the reality where we believe this is all some kind of joke on us and when we are not in eh room people aren't people at all, they just don't exist until they play another role in our life. In one scene and out till the next act... Like some Shakespearean play or movie. In the movies you generally follow the main character the whole time. you see what they do and how they interact with others .. Yet those others kind of don't exist except for the parts they have scripted to be shown.
A reality of how you wish or believe things to be. that is another one I have thought of.. are things just the way they are because I think they should be that way? Do my thoughts have that much control? Am I here to determine what is real to me... or is reality something we discover that is constant in spite of our ever changing places in it while the masses shift around a pivotal truth?
perhaps this isn't well thought out for an entry but it is almost 5am .. And I haven't slept yet.
I see how much of my time I have passed in the last three years dealing with self-definition and exploration; and at the same time having to come to grips with reality. When I say reality it encompasses more than what is actually there in the obvious daylight. I mean the relative realities we all create in our minds.. the reality where we believe this is all some kind of joke on us and when we are not in eh room people aren't people at all, they just don't exist until they play another role in our life. In one scene and out till the next act... Like some Shakespearean play or movie. In the movies you generally follow the main character the whole time. you see what they do and how they interact with others .. Yet those others kind of don't exist except for the parts they have scripted to be shown.
A reality of how you wish or believe things to be. that is another one I have thought of.. are things just the way they are because I think they should be that way? Do my thoughts have that much control? Am I here to determine what is real to me... or is reality something we discover that is constant in spite of our ever changing places in it while the masses shift around a pivotal truth?
perhaps this isn't well thought out for an entry but it is almost 5am .. And I haven't slept yet.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Things happen
Well, to make a long story short, time often seems to work against me. As I take the time to contemplate the things that are on my mind I realize my scholastic life is slamming me with deadlines and latework which only cheapens the grade I get out the said classes. If time were more controllable, or perhaps if I were better at prioritizing my weeks... who knows. I just know that I feel it's almost more important to spend some quality time with the friends and homework seems to get in the way. That is one reason the summer will be a nice change of pace, but I still feel the need to reform my dicipline in the homework wars.
Tonight is going to be busy trying to finish up all sorts of homeworks and lab work.. yet all I want to really do is chill with the guys. Is it so hard to believe I could actually get both done?
It is easier said than done... but perhaps Im in need of an overhaul of my procrastination and get on top of things so I can do what I want to when I want to. Well back to the paper.. stupid homework..
Tonight is going to be busy trying to finish up all sorts of homeworks and lab work.. yet all I want to really do is chill with the guys. Is it so hard to believe I could actually get both done?
It is easier said than done... but perhaps Im in need of an overhaul of my procrastination and get on top of things so I can do what I want to when I want to. Well back to the paper.. stupid homework..
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Why the Wandering Shepherd?
A shepherd is a symbol of many things for me. A care-giver, a leader, a guardian, and above all a true friend. In so many ways I feel inclined to be such a pillar and guide, yet I know that I am far from perfect in all my foibles and weaknesses. How can such an imperfect servant himself be a guide to others? Perhaps in my path there are others that could benefit from my experience and avoid the pitfalls I have come to know so well. I don't know how I can fully express that desire to help, yet feeling helpless at the same instant.
Thus the use of Wandering. A shepherd should know the path and guide his flock, he should know how to care for each of his own. But for me, I'm still finding my way through it all. I don't intend to wax allegorical, and I can't really say these thoughts are all-inclusive and comprehensive. There is a lot out there to be discovered and explored.
My beacons are lit for me and I see them from time to time, yet sometimes I look away for a season and it takes me a while to regain my bearings.
This Blog is just going to be introspections on my own struggles that few who read this will truly understand the way I feel them. My writing is far from eloquent and clear, I just hope I don't forget myself and my own goals with all that goes on.
Thus the use of Wandering. A shepherd should know the path and guide his flock, he should know how to care for each of his own. But for me, I'm still finding my way through it all. I don't intend to wax allegorical, and I can't really say these thoughts are all-inclusive and comprehensive. There is a lot out there to be discovered and explored.
My beacons are lit for me and I see them from time to time, yet sometimes I look away for a season and it takes me a while to regain my bearings.
This Blog is just going to be introspections on my own struggles that few who read this will truly understand the way I feel them. My writing is far from eloquent and clear, I just hope I don't forget myself and my own goals with all that goes on.
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